A 2015 article claims that black parents don’t raise narcissists and while I certainly wish this was true, I have to respectfully disagree. While it’s true that you don’t see as many overt, over-the-top, in-your-face narcissists, we do have our fair share of the covert kind.
The formula for the product of narcissism in black families is simple to follow: Effects of Slavery + Legalism = Narcissism.
Let’s delve into this:
Effects of Slavery
When people say that “slavery was so long ago” and “why don’t black people just get over it,” they typically haven’t followed that thought all the way through. In order to say this, they have to assume generations of positive family interactions. But that isn’t the case for many African Americans families.
When you separate families, subject them to extreme punishment and trauma, and pit individuals against each other, this dynamic doesn’t disappear just because the individuals are now “free”. Yes, loving your family and wanting the best for them is intrinsic, but only outside of a survival situation. When people are faced with just trying to survive on a day-to-day basis, certain maladaptive things become key.
- Do Exactly What I Say (Authoritarianism)
Getting kids to do exactly as you say is vital for survival. In slavery this was life or death and in poverty it’s dollars and cents. “Do it this way and not that way” is really “don’t make a mistake because we don’t have the money to pay for it.” Unfortunately, with stress and fear on top of this, it is generally expressed to the children in a more soul-destroying tone. Echoing back to slavery (and learned from slave owners), any infractions that end up costing money, time, or effort, are swiftly punished by beatings.
2. I Won’t Encourage Your Dreams
Disappointment is rampant when faced with day-to-day survival. You can’t get this thing or that. You don’t necessarily have the resources to aim for the higher-paying job, and “it’s always something” going on to cost the money that you even try to save. Without a way to process disappointment, parents end up projecting it onto their kids. Kids are often told not to get their hopes up, despite academic or athletic ability, or special gifts and talents. These things are not nurtured and for many, even swept up under the rug, except for in cases where the parent wants to look good compared to another. In private, at home, in what should be a safe place, dreams are shattered for the purpose of protecting kids from the same disappointment that plagues the parents.
3. You Have No Value
In a poverty situation, members of the family are only as valuable as any money that they bring in. This is why so many people feel that kids “are not equal” to adults. This often angrily-expressed feeling is actually reminiscent of the trauma of inequality from slavery and parents just project it onto their kids. This is where many staunch Pro-Lifers would do well to pay attention. Many abortions happen because from an early age, people are taught that they are only as valuable as what they bring in (this is reinforced by capitalism, but that topic is outside of the scope of this post). Therefore, to deal with abortion long term, people have to minister to the value of individuals.
Lack of value is learned early on and some kids adapt by trying to earn all they can (not necessarily monetarily) and others adapt by keeping emotional distance until they are grown and able to leave the house. This undertone of not having value becomes the foundation of competition that a narcissistic family sets up between siblings.
4. People Can Be Owned
Even though the atrocities of slavery demonstrated why this is devastating, the idea of people ownership did not disappear with the abolition of it. Black families tend to approach parenting from the perspective of ownership and not stewardship. The hardship and sacrifices that many parents face makes the idea of ownership seem justified, and children are expected to comply with the wishes of their parents if any financial resources are to be given.
I highly recommend for everyone to check out this chart that depicts the differences in perspectives among the impoverished, middle class, and wealthy regarding ideas of ownership.
5. I Need a Place to Be King/Queen
Our elders were subjected to such disrespect, condescension, and derision that it is no surprise that their self-worth suffered greatly. Yet everyone needs to feel powerful in some capacity. For many black families, the only place that they could feel powerful was within their own family unit. Therefore, power was wielded harshly, but also with a sense of delight. I’ve heard people ask the question, “Why do black people flex on their kids?” And this is the answer: to feel powerful in a world where they have largely felt powerless.
This desire to wield power among family members did not go away in the years after slavery.
Legalism
Legalism combines with the effects of slavery to produce what many black families look like today. Legalism adds yet another dimension of fear and hopelessness to what’s already experienced in poverty. There are a few key mindsets that contribute to the toxic family dynamic.
- God is Not Good
Legalism relegates God to dos and don’ts much like the interaction was with slave masters. You have to watch your step at all times to avoid God’s unpredictable wrath and punishment. Going to Him with any concerns is out of the question as you are certain to be rejected and maybe even punished for bothering Him. This leaves many black families trying to handle everything on their own and “praying about things” is merely a formality. This spills over into family interactions, with children being afraid to approach their parents with legitimate needs.
2. You Have to Be Perfect
You are not allowed to make mistakes with legalism. This is interesting because we know that “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” This cognitive dissonance is dealt with in one of two ways. You either stay as far away from God as you can since you know that you sin, or you try to justify yourself by comparing your sins to others. This leads to an excessive focus on “outward sins” and not the “heart issues” that Jesus would have taught about.
The drive for perfection in response to legalism is where the scapegoating in narcissistic families comes in. Parents avoid taking on any blame, so they set up one child (the one that reminds them of their sins) to be the fall person that everything gets projected on.
3. Don’t Question Authority
I once read that “if you want to hide something from a black person, put it in a book.” As an avid reader, I was baffled by this. But when I considered how many people in my community would rather hear things than read for themselves, I started digging. During slavery, the church was the main place to get information. Many times it was only the pastor who was literate. We also have a strong oral tradition by which information was passed down. Therefore we tend to place a lot of importance on what someone in authority says. I remember asking questions of the Bible only to be told “not to question the Lord.” Some people go as far as extending this to pastors and other leaders, and of course parents warn their kids against it as well.
This produces hopelessness and a lack of resourcefulness as many feel powerless to change their situation. Worse still, they think seeking to change their situation is somehow questioning God’s authority. You have to come to just “accept your lot.”
This also manifests when individuals try to develop a sense of agency and boundaries. If they say anything that would implicate culpability on the part of an elder member of the family they are told “that’s still your uncle, grandfather, aunt, mother, etc”.
Putting it all together: Narcissism in Black Communities
Now let’s look at the traits of narcissism and trace their connections to present day family dynamics in black communities.
1. False self due to trauma – New research suggests that trauma is inter-generational, or that it can be passed down. Consequently, we likely start with a fragile sense of self and in the face of rejection, we swap it out for a “more favorable” personality. Not feeling like you can be yourself is widely experienced in our community.
2. Sense of entitlement – Black families are known to have a lack of boundaries. Doors are not to be locked and parents still expect to call the shots long after their child is grown.
3. Needs constant praise and admiration – Children learn early on to ease tension by showering their parents with compliments. In a marital situation, a narcissistic spouse will shut down completely in the face of any criticism.
4. Exploits others without guilt or shame – Because “people can be owned,” you sometimes see the exploitation of children and their resources on the part of the parent. There is no guilt or shame because the narcissist feels that they deserve every good thing that they get.
5. Belittles and Bullies – Children are mercilessly criticized and spouses can be publicly humiliated as the narcissistic person imposes this treatment in order to demonstrate their own superiority (see I Need a Place to Be King/Queen section).
6. Lack of empathy – There’s no natural affection for children. Children are supposed to be tough. When people are going through trials, unsolicited advice is often issued, but no understanding or compassion is demonstrated. Narcissists are so preoccupied with themselves that other people’s pain registers as an inconvenience.
7. Envy – Narcissists view someone else’s talents as a threat, even if it’s their own children. They then set out to destroy confidence so that the child remains dependent and the parent feels powerful. They are also jealous of anyone’s possessions that represent what they deem as the highest ideal (can be money, intelligence, beauty, cars, etc).
8. Triangulation – Drama is manufactured by one person who brings two people in and pits them against one another. This gossiping and slandering and then dividing and conquering ensures that the narcissist maintains a dominant standing in the group.
9. Gaslighting – Victims are told “that didn’t happen” and the perpetrators escape blame and hold on to their “perfection.” This can also manifest as “I don’t remember that.”
10. Victim Mentality – Not everyone in our community struggles with this, but for those that do we know they always seem to have an unfair story to tell. And the events are often legitimate. But of course a sense of hopelessness and powerlessness (revisit the Legalism section) makes it hard to see a way out of this mindset.
These are just a few of the traits and effects and many more will be covered in subsequent posts.
Conclusion
When we follow the thinking on the effects of slavery and legalism and how it produces narcissism all the way through, it is clear that it is actually prevalent in black communities. The effects of slavery combined with strict legalism have produced communities that live at all times in economic and religious fear. The fear, disappointment, and poverty are coped with in maladapative ways. And because therapy is still taboo with many generations and churches are often ill-equipped to deal with these problems, there has been little help with this. Yet it is the purpose of this blog to guide people into the freedom that God’s love and grace offers to all.