But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
If you grew up in a family with dysfunctional patterns, you may have a warped sense of self-control. I never thought that I had an issue with self-control because I thought it only applied to appetites, desires, and diets. I didn’t find it too hard to muster up enough willpower to stick to those things, so I thought that this Fruit of the Spirit was active in my life.
But I was wrong.
As a person with codependent tendencies, I focused on others more than I focused on myself. I would bend over backwards trying to take care of everyone around me, but when those things weren’t reciprocated, I was hurt and resentful. The negative emotions should have been a clue that something was wrong, but I kept doing good things for people, hoping that they would do nice things for me in return. My kindness was actually a form of control. I was hoping to coax people into loving me based on what I did for them. It wasn’t until I found myself in the throes of c-PTSD following narcissistic abuse, that I began to seek God about this.
God revealed that self-control was not just about curbing impulses, self-control was also about self-governance. Self-control is about knowing your own boundaries, interests, desires, and goals and having the ability to remove yourself from situations and unrepentant people that violate these things. Self-control helps you focus on yourself in order to bring things to God for healing, deliverance, and mind-renewal. Self-control is the opposite of other-control and comes from being firmly established in your identity in Christ. Because you only seek love and acceptance from Him, people are not able to manipulate and control you. And consequently, any love that you give is an overflow of what God first gives to you.
Before I realized this, I was a magnet for narcissists. Most codependents are. Narcissists also lack self-control, and they cope in life by controlling others for their own gain. Proverbs 25:28 says “a man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” Without self-control, you set yourself up to be repeatedly violated and plundered by others. You set yourself up for brokenness.
My charge to you is to know God’s love for you and to know yourself. You are valuable because you were created by God to be loved by Him and your thoughts, feelings, and desires matter equally. If you stay connected to the Vine, then you can trust that He will give you His pure and healthy desires.
Let God love you into self-control, so you can experience real love and freedom!